Here We Go

SO many of you have reached out in the last day or two with well wishes and prayers and support and encouragement. I deeply appreciate it. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

In about seven hours from now, I will be having a double mastectomy and expander placement surgery. In other words, one surgeon is going to cut off my breasts, and then the other surgeon is going to prepare them to one day be replaced.

I reached out to a friend who has undergone this same surgery recently, and I mentioned that I've had a really hard time. She (as well as several other women I know who have walked this same journey) has been an ongoing source of comfort, knowledge, recommendations, and experience--and she reminded me that I would get to wake up from this surgery and know that the tumors growing in my breasts are gone. I will be cancer free.

I have clung to this, and I cling to it now, as I sit in bed wide awake wondering how anyone has ever slept a wink of sleep on the night before this surgery.

I went to a yoga retreat back in October, and the theme was "Learning to Trust in the River." We talked at length at this retreat about the way that love is protection and about the importance of trusting the moment--believing that creation is always happening and that I am a part of that, and it is a part of me. And we practiced letting the moment hold us. We practiced asking ourselves, "Is there wisdom for me in this?" We were encouraged to call to mind those who have loved us into being.

And as I sit here tonight, I'm just really, profoundly humbled by your levels of attentive care, laughter, kindness, and love.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I've never felt so attended to and considered and held. And I know now that you, my village, are the moment that has been holding me this whole time. So thank you.

Good night.